[Moo] How to Cook a Phoenix News

[William de Mont d'Or]

Your Excellencies,

I have news to report.  As you know our Barony is putting together a
small compilation of recipes for sale to help raise funds for the War
of the Wings victory party and for charity.  The theme for said
cookbook is "How to Cook a Phoenix" as that slow and rather dimwitted
bird is as easy to catch as it is good to eat.

Whilst providing some minor assistance in this endeavor I was
approached by an individual muttering something about goats and making
vague, half spoken queries concerning the location of cows and the
Baroness.  While trying to be polite AND continue with my task I asked
if I could help.  He then thrust a document toward me and wandered off
in a generally southerly direction making odd noises about war and V
is for victory not five.

I read the document, with no little difficulty and have attached a
copy of it here for your reference.

----

To all those who would might be tempted to cook the noble and majestic
phoenix, might I point out two grave perils you may have overlooked,
or been unaware of, and offer a tasty and less perilous alternative to
this hazardous and culinary difficult act?   I would like to point out
that those worthies, what they are worthy of remains best unsaid, who
have submitted recipes may have overlooked the fact that beefs are in
fact a better choice for consumption than the rapturous to behold and
a joy hear, phoenix.  It is, in fact, the only know way that the
docile and cumbersome cow is superior to the majestic bird of Sacred
Stone.

While the delight of eating a properly prepared phoenix is next to
Impossible to surpass (for those of poor judgment and less taste), it
is worth remembering that cooking a phoenix is not without its
hazards.  Please keep in mind these two cautions if you wish to have
an enjoyable meal and avoid disaster.

Primus. The phoenix is, by its nature, a very flammable bird.  Even
the lightest brush with an open flame will tend to send the entire
bird up in a hot flaming mass of exploding meat, gristle, and hot fat.
It has been described to me, by those who should know of such things,
as something akin to touching a dry torch soaked in naphtha and then
rolled in the powder used in gonnes to the flame.  At the least, the
cook will be embarrassed due to a lack of a meat dish (and perhaps
eyebrows), and it could also lead to a serious or painful injury.
Though if one is tired of their current dwelling, incineration by
phoenix is generally considered a satisfactory excuse for building a
new abode, or kitchen.

Secundus.  The phoenix is a difficult bird to prepare for cooking. The
trials and tribulations in catching, dispatching, plucking, and
cleaning the creature are well known and do not need to be gone over
again here.  One item often overlooked by the cook, nigh to exhaustion
from the aforementioned dispatching, plucking, and cleaning, is the
need to keep the phoenix away from the coals and ashes of the fire.
While everyone knows what happens if a cooked phoenix is placed in
ashes, it can come as an unpleasant surprise to the cook who has spent
hours preparing, seasoning, and cooking the bird only to have it
spring whole again from the ashes and to have to start the process
over once again.
So please keep these hazards to your health and well being in mind
when you consider choosing a phoenix as a part of your meal. To those
who have submitted recipes on the proper preparation of a phoenix for
the dinner table, I look forward to reading each of the recipes, and
noting your names.

In closing I would like to leave you with the following suggestion
“Eat More Beef”.

Signed by: Anonymous
Baron of Sacred Stone