[Moo] How to Cook a Phoenix News

[William de Mont d'Or]

My apologies, I intended to send the previous message to their
Excellencies of Stierbach and not the Mary Rose.  Please forgive my
careless addressing.


William de Mont d'Or

> Your Excellencies,
>
> I have news to report.  As you know our Barony is putting together a
> small compilation of recipes for sale to help raise funds for the War
> of the Wings victory party and for charity.  The theme for said
> cookbook is "How to Cook a Phoenix" as that slow and rather dimwitted
> bird is as easy to catch as it is good to eat.
>
> Whilst providing some minor assistance in this endeavor I was
> approached by an individual muttering something about goats and making
> vague, half spoken queries concerning the location of cows and the
> Baroness.  While trying to be polite AND continue with my task I asked
> if I could help.  He then thrust a document toward me and wandered off
> in a generally southerly direction making odd noises about war and V
> is for victory not five.
>
> I read the document, with no little difficulty and have attached a
> copy of it here for your reference.
>
> ----
>
> To all those who would might be tempted to cook the noble and majestic
> phoenix, might I point out two grave perils you may have overlooked,
> or been unaware of, and offer a tasty and less perilous alternative to
> this hazardous and culinary difficult act?   I would like to point out
> that those worthies, what they are worthy of remains best unsaid, who
> have submitted recipes may have overlooked the fact that beefs are in
> fact a better choice for consumption than the rapturous to behold and
> a joy hear, phoenix.  It is, in fact, the only know way that the
> docile and cumbersome cow is superior to the majestic bird of Sacred
> Stone.
>
> While the delight of eating a properly prepared phoenix is next to
> Impossible to surpass (for those of poor judgment and less taste), it
> is worth remembering that cooking a phoenix is not without its
> hazards.  Please keep in mind these two cautions if you wish to have
> an enjoyable meal and avoid disaster.
>
> Primus. The phoenix is, by its nature, a very flammable bird.  Even
> the lightest brush with an open flame will tend to send the entire
> bird up in a hot flaming mass of exploding meat, gristle, and hot fat.
> It has been described to me, by those who should know of such things,
> as something akin to touching a dry torch soaked in naphtha and then
> rolled in the powder used in gonnes to the flame.  At the least, the
> cook will be embarrassed due to a lack of a meat dish (and perhaps
> eyebrows), and it could also lead to a serious or painful injury.
> Though if one is tired of their current dwelling, incineration by
> phoenix is generally considered a satisfactory excuse for building a
> new abode, or kitchen.
>
> Secundus.  The phoenix is a difficult bird to prepare for cooking. The
> trials and tribulations in catching, dispatching, plucking, and
> cleaning the creature are well known and do not need to be gone over
> again here.  One item often overlooked by the cook, nigh to exhaustion
> from the aforementioned dispatching, plucking, and cleaning, is the
> need to keep the phoenix away from the coals and ashes of the fire.
> While everyone knows what happens if a cooked phoenix is placed in
> ashes, it can come as an unpleasant surprise to the cook who has spent
> hours preparing, seasoning, and cooking the bird only to have it
> spring whole again from the ashes and to have to start the process
> over once again.
> So please keep these hazards to your health and well being in mind
> when you consider choosing a phoenix as a part of your meal. To those
> who have submitted recipes on the proper preparation of a phoenix for
> the dinner table, I look forward to reading each of the recipes, and
> noting your names.
>
> In closing I would like to leave you with the following suggestion
> “Eat More Beef”.
>
> Signed by: Anonymous
> Baron of Sacred Stone
>